There are several indicators that your daughter’s soccer team may not be ready for professional level play. For instance:

Coach: Zoe, you go to midfield.
Zoe: Ok!… where is midfield?

**

Player: Coach, how will everyone know that I’m goalie if we don’t have a goalie shirt?
Coach: Just turn your shirt around backwards.

**

Player: What kinds of things are fouls? Kicking?

**

The first game of the year is always a refresher game. These girls have been out of practice for several months, but frankly they did great. This is the first year that Zoe’s team plays on the “big fields” rather than the mini-fields. She was most excited when she got to play goalie… of course with her shirt turned around backwards.

She had several impressive goal kicks. No, seriously.

There were a number of noticeable improvements over last season. For one, all of the girls ran in the right direction. Zoe only cried once during the game (wind knocked out of her), and she only “took a break” (lying down on the ground in the goal during play) once.

Deacon was very forlorn that little guys were not allowed to play, as evidenced in this picture.

*Oh ball, how you vex me so.*

But then he realized that you can steal a random kid’s soccer ball and use it as a seat! And after that everything was fine.

I love my kids.

This is the face that slobbered at my knees all morning… pudgy hands clutching at my pajama pants… hoarse, choking sobs echoing through the kitchen…

All because I would not — would NOT — allow him to eat chocolate pudding for breakfast.

I instead forced him to eat banana pancakes slathered with a liter of syrup. Forced him, guys.

Votes are in: Worst. Mama. Ever.

A friend of mine sent me to a Facebook page called The Ambien Hotline. It’s basically a group of people who share their stories of Ambien-related hijinks. (One chick said that, post-Ambien, she walked to her mom’s house at 2am and asked to borrow the remote control.)

I believe you all remember my list of Ambien-related weirdness, right? If not, go ahead and refresh your memory.

Anyhoo, this particular Facebook page also had pics and cartoons, and the one cartoon — I swear to you — was drawn with me in mind.

It even looks like me! Quilted grandma robe and all… plus, many times when I’m out strolling around outside the city, carrying my laptop and wearing my quilted bathrobe, I run into three-foot-tall talking rats and their three-eyed frog alien friends. And they often laugh at me.

Come to think of it, maybe sleep blogging isn’t really my biggest problem…

There was a time (about two whole months ago), when I was naive enough to think that once I had a rough draft finished, the rest would be a breeze.

Stop laughing. It’s not nice to laugh at people who are idiots by accident.

So it turns out that revision? Is a JERKY PAIN IN MY BACKSIDE! Going back over the words I’d slaved over for months and months, I read them now and say to myself, “Pshaw, self, you are such an amateur! Who wrote this? A second-grader? On allergy medication?”

Then I get it in my mind that everything I’ve written is crap, and that I should just shred my manuscript and recycle it as hen-house bedding. (y’know… so it can get pooped on? by lots of fat birds?)

But *sigh* instead I try to push my way through it (partially because we don’t actually own any hens). I write different scenes from different character perspectives just to get it all nice and fleshed out, hoping that one day this dumb manuscript will be able to pass for something readable.

Also, I doodle a lot, y’know, when I can’t think of words to write.

Unfortunately, I don’t really know how to draw anything but the swirly-things. So my notebook is full of them. And when revision becomes too much and I desperately need a break, I go outside… where I promptly draw swirly-things on my driveway with sidewalk chalk.

No, seriously.

On a totally unrelated note, I caught someone in our garage trying to steal my car. And though he had the keys, was in the front seat, and knew how to honk the horn… well, he couldn’t seem to figure out how to actually steal the thing.

I went out to get a closer look at the punk.

He was so cute that I couldn’t press charges. I agreed to let him off with a warning if he’d come live with me forever and let me smooch his little cheeks whenever I darn well pleased.

It was an agreeable agreement.

And now, back to drawing swirlies… err, I mean, revising.

hello. i have not written a blog for a long time now. but i am writing another one. now, as you all know, by the title, i have lots of things to talk about. now the first thing is… … … SCHOOL IS COMING!!!! WOO! now, i am very happy and excited about this because i will be in 3rd grade. hip-hip, hooray!

anyway, I’ve actually been reading something this summer. but I’m reading it way out of order. it’s called ”Allie Finkles rules for girls”. first i read the 2nd one then i started reading the 3rd one AND i started reading the 1st one too. but, like most book series, it doesn’t get all confusing when you read them out of order. but book #2 and #3 were library books. i finished #2 and returned it to the library. but #3 isn’t due yet, so i still have time to read it. #1 is a book from the book store. i still don’t have #4 and #5 though. #5 JUST CAME OUT! it was at the book store, but is was only in hard-cover so i could only get #1 ’cause #5 was way too expensive. it was like $16.00 bucks, dude!

anyway, my mom asked her one friend if she could give me art lessons because she really likes to paint, just like me! my other friend might do it too, but who knows? i don’t! here, look at some of my paintings. (i taught myself)!

k, thats all. see’a!

…he’s my brother.

Opening night, two friends and I (along with my mom, two of my sisters, and a thousand or so squealing people) turned out for the Eclipse premier. I didn’t get us tickets because I’m a fan of these movies… it was more for the swag bags that were being handed out (with hair product samples and candy!). Plus, it was the first time in a long time that I had an excuse to stay out after 9pm.

I’m pretty lame in my old age.

Here are Shahara, me, and Katie at 12:30am. Lookin’ good. And flashing our book club gang sign… cuz literary is how we roll.

(See the two men in the audience? They’re in the row directly behind us… their groans of agony were nearly deafening.)

I’ve never read any of the Twilight books, so I can’t really call myself a hater… I don’t believe you can hate something you don’t know. However, the movies are rather cheese-ball. Honestly. But I went in good spirits and intended to have a good time… I refrained from making loud snarky comments to ruin the experience for anyone else. The following is my recap of Eclipse. SPOILER ALERT! There are a lot of spoilers about nothing much happening.

“Edward, I love you. I love Jacob, too. But I love you more. I can love two people at the same time, right? Let’s go sit in the meadow at the top of the mountain and we can watch your skin sparkle like diamonds.”
“Bella, I love you, too. You are the awesomest chick I’ve met in my whole 100 years as a vampire. I can’t figure out what it is that makes you so special — no one can — but I will do anything I can to protect you. Except that one time when I didn’t. My bad. Okay, let’s go watch my skin sparkle like diamonds.”

*meanwhile, Victoria (the pretty redhead — and if I were Edward, I would have gotten with that) is running through the forest. Still. It’s been, like, a year or something, and she’s still running through the woods. She knows where Bella lives, but for some strange reason she never makes it to her house, instead opting to run very fast and aimlessly through the surrounding forest. And sometimes into Canada.*

“Bella, choose me. I’m way frickin hotter, way less emo, and can really rock these denim cut-offs with hiking boots. Seriously. Check me out as I lean against this car. No, I can’t tell you what we do with all of the cast-off denim pant legs… it’s a tribal secret.

*meanwhile, Victoria is running fast some more. There is a hot “newborn” vampire guy who is “amassing an army” of about seven other newborn vampires. The Volturi (y’know, those annoying vampires from Europe) are keeping an eye on things.*

“Edward, I want to have sex with you.”
“Not until you marry me. Though I have no soul, I am a very religious member of the undead.
*sigh* “Fine, I’ll marry you. Can we do it now?”
“What?! You’re marrying him?!? When were you going to tell me, Bella? Gah! Well, that’s okay. I know that you will choose me eventually. And I will keep loving you until your heart stops beating. Or my heart stops beating. Or one of us stops breathing. Or something.”
“Okaaaaayyyy… this isn’t awkward.”

*A HUGE battle ensues, involving about 7 vampires and about 7 werewolves. Heads are torn off, which is the most action we’ve seen thus far. Bella and Edward talk in a tent. Bella and Jacob talk in the woods. Jacob and Edward talk in a tent. More talking. Victoria’s head comes off.*

Credits roll!

I hope you’ve enjoyed this review. Don’t hesitate to see this movie if you liked the other ones. And if you like a lot of talking…

(book club representin’…. HOLLA!)

Dudes! (Sorry, I know I call you guys “dudes” way too much.)

I finished my first draft. Yes-huh! I know, I honestly didn’t think I could do it, either. I never finish anything, ever. Well, that’s not entirely true. One time I was really hungry and I actually finished an entire Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese from McDonalds. True story.

But after six months and 57,451 words, I wrote the last line of my novel this afternoon. Yay!

It’s still very rough. Several of my characters changed over the course of the story… names, races, “motivations”… So if you read it beginning to end right now it might be a titch confusing. I’m going through one run of revisions before I let it out to the masses. (And by masses, I mean a select few who actually want to subject themselves to such a thing.)

To put it into perspective, let’s say that this picture represents a detailed outline of an awesome novel:

And let’s say that this picture represents what you’d like your awesome, richly written novel to look like when it’s publisher-ready:

Now, using these pictures as a comparison, here is roughly what my novel looks like at the moment:

I know, kinda gross, right? That’s what I’m saying…

But dude! I finished my draft! My skeleton has muscles!

And wasting no time at all, I made myself write that last line before I moved on to next shiny idea that’s been percolating for the last few days. I wrote the first two chapters for that today. I’m kind of on a roll.

She’s made of light and tiptoes on my shoulder, whispering and giggling in my ear with a voice that sounds like twinkling and dew drops.

And tonight, she’s prompting my eyes to stay open… urging me to type just a little bit more.

If I break another 1,000 words before falling asleep, she tells me I get to dance with her on the back porch and eat a big bowl of Grape-Nut ice cream.

I’m trying really — yaaawwwn — hard.